Catharsis often eludes us, its timing erratic and unpredictable, yet occasionally it erupts with a bewildering surge of primal, visceral force.
Charli XCX’s “So I” encapsulates such a moment, where grief collides with self-reproach, resulting in a piece that is raw, haunting, and unflinchingly honest.
This track, from her 6th studio album BRAT, is less a song and more a profound reckoning—a dialogue with the past that Charli never had the chance to complete.
The Distance That Defined a Bond
The lyrics of “So I” are steeped in regret, a confession of the emotional distance that characterised Charli XCX’s relationship with SOPHIE, the visionary producer and close collaborator who tragically passed away in 2021.
Charli sings, “You had a power like a lightning strike,” a line that captures the awe she felt in SOPHIE’s presence.
This was no ordinary collaboration; it was a relationship defined by Charli’s deep admiration and, ultimately, her insecurities.
In an interview with The Face, Charli reveals, “There was a lot of distance between us because I was in awe of her and wanted to impress her.”
This admission speaks volumes about the emotional barriers that Charli erected, barriers that she now deeply regrets.
For Charli, the studio was a safe haven—a space where she could connect with SOPHIE without the fear of not measuring up.
Outside the studio, however, Charli felt inadequate, as if she wasn’t “magical enough” to fully belong in SOPHIE’s world.
This insecurity is palpable in “So I,” where every verse feels like a confession, every chorus a lament for what was left unsaid.
Charli’s lyrics lay bare the internal struggle of a person who, in trying to shield themselves from rejection, ended up losing a chance to experience a deeper connection.
Unspoken Words and Lingering Regrets
The chorus of “So I” is a haunting refrain that encapsulates the heart of the song: “Always on my mind… Why did I push you away?”
This isn’t just a question—it’s a piercing cry of regret, an acknowledgement of the emotional chasm that Charli allowed to grow between herself and SOPHIE.
The regret isn’t just for the loss of a friend; it’s for the loss of the many moments they could have shared, the deeper relationship they could have built if Charli had only allowed herself to be vulnerable.
In her interview, Charli expresses a profound sense of shame: “I feel ashamed for being a coward. It’s hard to write about. I’m sad for myself that I didn’t experience all this person had to offer.”
These words are echoed in the song’s lyrics, where Charli grapples with the reality that she can never go back and change the past.
The emotional weight of these unspoken words and the regret they carry are what give “So I” its power, making it a song that resonates deeply with anyone who has ever looked back on a relationship and wished they had done things differently.
A Sonic Portrait of Grief
Musically, “So I” is as complex and layered as the emotions it seeks to convey.
The song’s production, characterised by pulsating synths and distorted vocal samples, creates a soundscape that is both disorienting and mesmerising.
This sonic atmosphere mirrors the tumultuous grief that Charli experiences as she navigates the highs and lows of her emotions.
The unconventional structure of the track—shifting between sparse verses and explosive choruses—reflects the unpredictable nature of grief itself.
It’s not a linear journey; it’s a chaotic, often overwhelming experience that Charli captures beautifully in her music.
When Charli performed “So I” live at the 2024 Billboard Women in Music event, it wasn’t just a performance—it was a public unveiling of her private pain.
This was Charli’s way of sharing the depth of her grief and regret with the world, of voicing the emotions she had kept hidden for so long.
For listeners, especially those less familiar with Charli’s work, this performance offered a raw and unfiltered glimpse into her psyche, showcasing a side of her that is rarely seen in her more polished pop tracks.
Confronting the Irreparable
“So I” is more than just a tribute to SOPHIE; it’s Charli XCX confronting her past, her fears, and the painful realisation that some things will forever remain unresolved.
The song doesn’t offer closure—how could it?
Instead, it presents the raw reality of living with regret, of knowing that you can never go back and change what’s already been lost.
It’s a song that challenges listeners to sit with their discomfort, to reflect on their own unspoken regrets, and to find a sense of connection in the shared experience of loss.
The legacy of SOPHIE, whose influence is felt throughout the song, becomes a backdrop against which Charli’s own vulnerabilities are laid bare.
In “So I,” Charli XCX has created a space where catharsis is not about resolution but about confronting the truths we’ve avoided, the emotions we’ve suppressed, and the relationships we never fully embraced.
It’s a song that lingers, much like the memories of those we’ve lost, reminding us that some things, once gone, can never be reclaimed—but can always be remembered.
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Charli XCX So I Lyrics
Chorus
Always on my mind (Every day, every night)
Your star burns so bright(Why did I push you away?)
I was scared sometimes
You had a power like a lightning strike
When I’m on stage sometimes I lie
Say that I like singing these songs you left behind
And I know you always said, “It’s okay to cry”
So I know I can cry, I can cry, so I cry
Verse 1
Wish I’d tried to pull you closer
You pushed me hard, made me focus
Your words, brutal, loving, truthful
I was petrified
You’re a hero and a human
Track was done, I’d make excuses
You’d say, “Come on, stay for dinner”
I’d say, “No, I’m fine” (Now I really wish I’d stayed)
[Chorus]
Always on my mind (Every day, every night)
Your star burns so bright (Why did I push you away?)
I was scared sometimes
You had a power like a lightning strike
When I’m on stage, sometimes I lie
Say that I like singing these songs you left behind
And I know you always said, “It’s okay to cry”
So I know I can cry, I can cry, so I cry
Verse 2
Guilty feelings keep me fractured
Got a phone call after Christmas
Didn’t know how I should act
I watched you dance online
Your sounds, your words live on, endless
When I make songs, I remember
Things you’d suggest, “Make it faster”
Would you like this one? (Maybe just a little bit?)
Chorus
Always on my mind (Every day, every night)
Your star burns so bright (Why did I push you away?)
I was scared sometimes
You had a power like a lightning strike
When I’m on stage, sometimes I lie
Say that I like singing these songs you left behind
And I know you always said, “It’s okay to cry”
So I know I can cry, I can cry, so I cry
Outro
I, I, I, I
I, I, I, I
On my mind
